growing in the goo

There are some things in life that are so hard to do, but you know that you have to do them.

(and for all of you out there thinking this is another post about moving, it isn't. so keep reading!)

You know that if you don't do this thing, take this painful step, things will not get better, and they will probably get worse. As much as this step is killing you, you know that it has to be done.

Last year in Glamour's "Jake: A Man's Opinion" section, Jake talked about breaking up with a girl he called Orange Blossoms. He said that he loved her so much, but that he knew it wasn't working out, and that breaking up with her was like removing his own kidney.

I removed my kidney tonight.

I love someone so much...but we both know that it's not working out. We're not quitters, we've given it a couple of tries. We are perfect in so many ways. But we're not for each other, not like that.

And I know that in my head, but my heart needs convincing. So I told him tonight that I can't talk to him for a couple of weeks. I need to get this love out of my system, I need to stop holding out for more.

And I know the only way for me to be a good friend to him in the future is to take some time and not talk to him right now, because I don't want to fall back in. Falling back in will just cause pain to both of us. I'll be bitter, sad, he'll feel guilty and sad because of the way I feel.

A friendship is not based on those feelings. We need to start fresh, to re-boot the relationship. While that's not entirely possible, we can do our best.

So if you're reading this (and does me writing a blog entry about you break my rule?) know that I'm hurting too. That I'm doing this for us.

And when I take my kidney and put it back in with the phone call I make to you in December, we'll know that it was worth it.

I love you.