Wednesday, August 10, 2005


am I living it right?

"go in the direction of your dreams" "dream high" "dream big" blah blah blah.

my problem is that my dreams keep changing. When I was a know-it-all middle schooler, I knew I wanted to be a journalist. I wanted the investigative skills of Nancy Drew, the exciting life of Brenda Starr, the readership of Maureen Dowd (although...not her attitude. ick.).

But then I realized that I actually don't really enjoy news reporting. To be honest (and I hope to God this doesn't come back to bite me in the whole job search thing), I really just do not care.

I mean, I do care about the world and its population and the struggles of humanity. But I do not care to search after it day after day, yearning for that extra source or that piece of information, only to start it all over again with the next article. I'm not one of those people who is always looking for the catch, looking for where the big corporation failed, where government has messed it up yet again. Don't get me wrong - I applaud those people who do all of that. But to be truthful, I'd rather write about cute clothes, or that fun movie I just saw, or write an advice column.

That's one of my be an advice columnist, with the fame of Dear Abby, the hipness of Ask Amy, the morals of Miss Manners, the dry of wit of Dear Prudence. Wouldn't that be fun?

Another one of my dreams is to one day retire and own a small bookstore on the Cape, or Martha's Vineyard. But...that's only planned for retirement. When I'm blue haired and old and cranky. But the neighborhood kids love me for that, because I have a heart of gold and make a mean plate of chocolate chip cookies. And maybe I'll solve mysteries on the side, a la Miss Marple. (haha)

Last night I was lying in bed, blankets up to my chest, having a semi-panic attack. I love Bridget Jones, but I don't want to be some loser middle management person. I don't want to spend my time caught in a grind, feeling as though what I'm doing could be done by any other person with a pulse. I was meant for great things. For real.

But I don't know if this great thing is to be the president of a University, or to campaign for women to be priests, or to be that wonderful teacher that inspires, or to own a magazine, or to write the great American short story or to...I don't know.

I can't be great until I know what I want to be great in. Right? And what is great, anyhow? What is it going to take for me to be satisfied with who I am, and knowing that I haven't wasted my time here? Did I get an expensive high school and college education, only to whittle it away?

Is great being a good mom? (well, I can answer that right now. definitely yes.) But is great also having some okay job, but volunteering to help the needy? Is great having a bunch of random jobs, living in a bunch of places, tasting all that life has to offer? What difference should I make in the world? What does success mean, exactly?

I'm not lazy. I don't mind paying my dues. But I only wish I knew which bank to send those dues to...

I am hugely offended that I am not in your "Links I Go To Frequently" section.
You know it's rather easy to get completely lost in the world. We all search for a meaningful job to be part of something bigger than ourselves. We all would like to be remembered as having done something great. To find a job you can get up each day and feel like you belong.

I still don’t know what I want to do but I know it's going to be something to do with computers. I’m not sure I like the idea of putting on a suit every day and sitting in some office to just become another guy sat in an office. I guess I spent a lot of time as a kid dreaming of ways I could leave my mark on the world. Reality sucks! *sigh
I just thought I'd stop and leave a comment.
It's hard being a woman today. We've got so much more that we carry on our shoulders than other generations.

Nice blog :)
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