Tuesday, September 13, 2005


taking a chance

Day after day we put our hearts on the line. Sometimes in big matters, sometimes in tiny ones. I went to a job interview last week and after meeting the director, I was pretty excited about the whole thing. She and I got along fairly well, and it seemed positive. I got an e-mail from her today saying that because of monetary reasons, they decided not to hire anyone for the time being.

Getting that e-mail stunk. I had gotten my hopes up - all the while saying "I'm pretty excited, but I don't want to get my hopes up!" - and then it turned into nothing. It even seemed like a step backward, because it was my most promising prospect.

But you know what? Once I finally get a job, all of this pain will make it sweeter because I will know how much it means to me. And not to be all sour grapes, but I don't think this company would have been the greatest place for me. In the end, I have confidence that everything will work out for the best. Sometimes maintaining and remembering that confidence is tough, but it's there, even though it occasionally bobs beneath waves of disappointment.

We also put our hearts on the line in other ways. Sometimes the action seems small to people who aren't in the situation. Getting the guts to text message the guy you like, daring to hope that he might think the same about you, or that he thinks you're worth the .10 it costs to send a reply. Daring to hope that that small action could open the doors to an entire future. Or maybe your step is looking someone in the face and lettings the walls that you've built up over the past few months come crumbling down. Being honest and dropping the brave facade that you've worked so so hard to maintain.

The crumbling of those walls do sometimes invite hurt in. No one likes hurt. But I've made the decision that any good that comes from being vulnerable is worth the pain. And lately, I've found that a lot of good has come from ...not from closing my eyes and jumping in... but from keeping my eyes wide open and taking the steps in front of me. Deliberately choosing to take an emotional risk.

Maybe when the costs start outweighing the benefits, I'll build these walls up again and block off my heart to potential experiences. These walls help me to think that I'm not getting hurt. But really, they're constructed of bitterness, pain, disappointment, and fear. Fear of things not working out. It's just a way of avoiding the hurt, until I'm lying in bed one night, not able to sleep, and finally not able to ignore memories and thoughts running through my head.

But living in those houses of pain, it's not the way to be.

To be honest, what I want to be is the answer to someone's prayers. Is there someone out there right now, looking up at the sky or down at their hands, thinking "If only I could the perfect person for this job?" And I somehow fit the bill. I know I had times when I worked for the paper, and I would just be hoping and praying for someone who could (and would) give the help that I needed. And those people came. They always did.

And I'm not going to reveal the secret wishes of my heart. I'm not even sure what they are. But I know that I'm sitting here, staring straight into my future. I'm scared. But I'm ready.

Wow, I'm really sorry Meg. But you will find something, there are lots of people who aren't as good as you who find work, it's just a matter of time for you.
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