Thursday, September 29, 2005


warning: examples and rhetorical questions abound

So I'm pretty sure I've slacked off in the past two days in the blogging world. I am sorry (well, not really...).

It's just that I've had this entry in mind, and I haven't really felt like writing it. And I'm not really feeling it right now, but maybe it will come out less heart-wrenching this way.

Moving to D.C. is a big decision. And with every big decision, there are pros, and cons. Good things, and bad things. Awesome stuff, stinky stuff. You get the point. Moving, while it's going to be fantastic, will definitely have a myriad of drawbacks. I'll go from living in this nice house to a probably less than luxurious apartment. I'll go from driving one of three cool cars to supporting public transportation. I'll go from sitting around all day and doing what I want to actually working and doing stuff that will probably not be fun, at least for some of the time.

All this stuff, no prob. I can deal. I can even deal with eating ramen, "living on dreams and spaghettios." My mom is practically a gourmet cook, but I have fairly cheap tastes. So that will work out.

So why did I almost burst into tears today when adding flour to my cookie dough? Why did I choke back a sob as I was ironing some shirts? Why do I imagine that I'll be crying a bit too much behind closed doors in the week to come?

(and here you're probably sighing, thinking, WE'VE ALREADY COVERED THIS!)

and you're right. We have. But I'm going to go over it again...I'm going to miss my family so much. There's just something about coming home and talking to your parents and getting hugs and kisses and having tea with them every night. There's something about going to the movies with Bub, or just watching some random TV show and laughing about stupid, yet hysterical things (double bladed light saber? or double flavored life saver?). Being home is like having this giant security blanket wrapped around me. And I'm always cold, so I like having blankets.

And that's not even talking about my cousins. There's Caro, who yells my name with glee when she sees me (or even when she doesn't) and likes to play with my sparkly earrings. Or Liam, who is five and told his neighbors that I'm going to work at the White House, controlling the security cameras. And Brendan, who got a sad look and asked his mom if I'd come visit them, or if I'd always be in D.C.

Or the H's, who, when I came to their door yesterday, told me they were watching a movie about Sept. 11 and asked if I was really scared when it happened...and knowing that I'm going to be going back to that city next week. Asking if I really can make it back for the Halloween party, and me having to say that I can't promise anything. And, knowing that I'll be missing them, tried to make me feel good by telling me that they'll definitely come visit.

And I haven't even mentioned my aunts and uncles and grandparents. Everyone telling me they'll miss me and that they'll buy me tons of food and mail it down so I don't starve. A.Anne helping me carry a neighbor's sofa down our long driveway when she has a five year old and a two year old waiting in the car. A. Mary, always there to give me relationship advice and a reassuring talk saying that everything works out in the end. And for the better. And so many others.

Crap. It's like...why am I this way? It's not as though I live in some hicktown that has zero opportunity for growth. I'm 15 minutes from Boston, for goodness sake. It's not as though I have some family pushing me away - they take every opportunity and moment to tell me that they wish I'd stay and that they care about me.

So why am I walking away from this, even for a little while? It comes down to the thought that I know, absolutely, that if I don't do this, I will regret it. I don't want to be here, with my amazing family, and be bitter. They don't deserve that. They deserve someone who is happy and healthy, someone who reciprocates their good cheer. And after I spend time in D.C., I'll be back. It's impossible to be away from this for too long.

I went over my budget last night, and it left me with $200 a month to spare, after all the expenses. Umm, that's not very much at all. But that money is going to go towards priorities. Some people want cool clothes, others want top of the line liquor. Or cheap alcohol and lots of it. Me?

I want cheap roundtrip flights from Washington - Boston.

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