Sunday, October 23, 2005


This is me.

Emotions are a funny bunch. They can get you motivated, put a big smile on your face, they can make you want to crawl under the covers, or if it's really bad, drop to the ground and curl into a fetal position, regardless of where you are. During those moments, no matter how old you are, you just want to run to Mommy.

There are some super emotions, like feeling love towards someone, or having the feeling that you are on top of the world. When you're full of love, it seems like you're just in the most fantastic place - and that you want to stay there forever. Gazing into someone's eyes, caressing their cheek, feeling safe and sound. If you ace a test, you're full of smiles, saying hello to random people that you usually don't enthusiastically greet, such as the man who gives you the free paper at the metro every morning.

And there are those other emotions - the ones that make you wish you were feeling anything but what you're feeling at the moment. Feeling sad is horrible - there's nothing like your heart sinking as you realize what you hoped for isn't going to happen. Sometimes life is just terribly unfair. And being angry is not conducive to anything. Working, driving, decorating a cake, nothing works when you're angry.

But the emotion that I hate the most is...jealousy. It's one of those things that is sneaky, it lies latent in your system, and you think that you've possibly grown out of it. You feel self-confident, knowing that your little stage of insanity has come and gone. Then something happens and it just tears you up. And it brings with it such self-doubt. I'm not talking about "oh I love her shoes, I'm so jealous!" But the kind that makes you feel like you're going to throw up, the kind that makes you cry in your pillow.

Other emotions are more clear-cut. When my dog died, I was very sad. I had a lost a wonderful companion, a friend that excitedly greeted me everytime I was in her sight (or hearing). When I do well on something, I am happy, and feel satisfied in a job well done. If I am falsely accused of something or if someone is terribly rude, I become angry. And it's okay, because those situations call for specific, pre-determined reactions.

But when I'm jealous? It's such a mix of emotions. Jealousy is made up of sadness, anger, insecurity, indignation, loneliness and fear. The combination rises up in my throat, makes me dizzy. It's consuming. And when in the heat of jealousy, when you feel like you're feeling the worst, another thought comes up.

It's along the lines of wondering if you're just being a fool, or if your emotions are justified. And that's what makes jealousy so bad for me. When something tragic happens, I know that it's okay to feel sad. When I see someone that I haven't seen for a while, I know it's okay to feel happy.

But when I feel left out, unimportant, disposable - I don't know if I'm just being "a stupid girl" or if I'm right to feel that way. It's a battle between feeling like crap, and wondering if I'm imagining the whole thing, thereby making me feel crappier.

I don't know how to beat being jealous. Maybe this emotion just means that I'm still immature and have a lot to learn about the world. Maybe it comes from not having trust, and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Or maybe it's not so much me, but how I'm treated. One time in the throes of jealousy and sadness, I asked my mom if I was being unreasonable. And she said to me something that I haven't forgotten - "Meghan, you are very rarely unreasonable."

Perhaps this is true. But I do know that I have a problem with that emotion, and that I need to work on it. I just wish that the process of working with this was easier. And caused a little less heartache.

"A jealous man always finds more than he is looking for."
- Madeleine de Scudery
French writer (1607-1701)

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