growing in the goo

(and here's where I spill what was bothering me last night, but didn't want to share.)

A lot of us are looking for the quick fix in terms of relationships. We go to the bar for the purpose of dancing, but you know in the backs of our minds (or you know, the front) we look at the guy we're dancing with and think "Is there going to be something more than this?"

Or on craig's list, in the "men seeking women" section. I don't go on with the intention of finding anyone - it's more to cheer me up and have a quick laugh - but still, I think I'm thinking "hmm...I wonder who is on here." There's more driving me when I click on profiles than the search for amusement.

And I'm sure my little bro is reading this and thinking "God Meghan, all you want is a relationship." And you guys might be thinking that I'm desperate or pathetic or something. Or thinking that I already wrote about this a couple of months ago, haha.

But I don't think I'm overly pathetic - I think everyone wants to be in a healthy relationship. I mean, I'd certainly rather be alone than with some dud, and I'm known for being picky. But who doesn't want someone who loves them, who understands them with a glance, who adds to your quality of life (and not in monetary way, but in ways that are undefinable). Someone whose voice rises when they say hello, because they're pleased to hear from you. Someone whose faults you know, and understand, but still think they're the greatest anyhow.

And all that takes time. I was talking about this with Lewis, told him that it's so hard and discouraging, because he really understands me, and I understand him, and it took us a lot of time to get there...hours and hours of talking, getting to know each other, sharing thoughts. That when he says something, sometimes he can look at me and discern from a glance what I'm thinking. And it's frightening to worry that there might not be someone else out there who wants to get to know me so well. I want someone who is interested in more than just dancing at "Club Swerve."

Someone who is like "Who is this girl? I want to get to know her."

I don't know. I know I need to focus on other things, which is why I'm volunteering with something for my church. It's one tiny step in the right direction. Maybe I should get a part time job...because it seems like I have too much time on my hands to be worrying about this crap.

I want to travel, see the world. Tough to do when I haven't saved up any money, but hopefully by the spring I'll have some. I want to write a famous short story. I want to learn how to sew (I don't know where that one came from, I just thought of it). I want to start taking pictures again.

Maybe if I'm busy I'll have a little less time for self-pity.