Tuesday, January 03, 2006


What's right for me

"I want ---' She did not know what she wanted, so that she could not finish the sentence; but her lip quivered."
- the voyage out

It's funny how I allow some simple things to be complicated, but I want the complicated things to be utterly simple.

For example, a Friday. Something that should be relatively simple. Instead, I joyfully micromanage, plan tons of stuff out - get up at 7:10, go in shower, mentally plan outfit during the shampoo + condition process, brush teeth and tidy up at the same time (all the while checking my watch obsessively), go to work - while reading on the train, go to the bank during lunch, get lunch, meet up with CP, hit up a happy hour, walk back to the apartment, take a nap, do nails, hang out with E at the times, go to wawa, hit the hay around 4 - all may not be accomplished as sketched out, but I have way too detailed of plans for the business of the daily life.

But when it comes to my future? I expect that for some reason, it should be resolved as easily and neatly as "Live in DC for a couple of years, head back home, and ta da!" And when I find myself pondering life and the choices that I'm possibly making, I get insecure and kind of freak out.

For example, several of my good friends have grad school in their forseeable futures. To be truthful, I'm not really feeling the GS option, at the moment. But I'm wondering if I'm wasting my talent and opportunity if I don't go, or if there is something wrong with me because I'm not shooting for that path. I feel lame, walking around with just my B.A degree.

Same for moving around. L is going to England. E is heading somewhere, possibly Texas. C-note's ultimate aim is the glittery streets of NYC. Lord knows about everyone else. And part of me wants to be the wild little leaf blowing in the wind, landing wherever my heart guides me on a whim...but another part of me - I think the real part of me - just wants to visit these places, while celebrating my home base in Massachusetts.

Don't get me wrong, I want to visit a lot of places. In fact, Texas and England are at the top of my list, so this can actually work out for me. I also want to see Prague, finally walk the streets of Pompeii, see the romantic cafes of Paris, the aurora borealis, the cobblestones of St. Petersburg, the jungle in the Amazon, the pyramids in Egypt, to appreciate the real sights of India, to travel on an old Agatha Christie-like train.

Why do I doubt myself? Why do I have such little belief in my wants? Why do I feel as though what I might want is the loser thing...the stupid thing...to possibly shoot for? Why do I give myself the impression that I'm settling, instead of pursuing my dreams, however unformed they actually are at the moment?

How do I get strength in my convictions and learn to feel that what I want is the right thing for me, even if it's not what's right for other people?

I always "mentally plan outfit during the shampoo + condition: :)
As for your dreams, my opinion is its good to plan, have some structure, but generally, I act act on a whim, after a quick calculation of the potential damage it could do to me, if it;s not too bad, I just do it. So, I guess thinking about it too much isn't necessary, but you still need to have a vague idea. Nothing wrong with a little doubt either- it just shows you are capable of thinking about the consequesnces of your actions and you;re a mature person who cares about herself and her future.m
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm 29 I've just figured out what I want to do. Not many of us "adults" really know what the hell is going on. We don't know if what we're doing is right. We just muddle through.
I went through two other careers before deciding on my current endeavor, nursing school.
You're going to be a totally different person now compared to a few years from now, and with that you're opinions will change. You'll come to realize that this thing called life is fluid and ever changing and strict plans are often tossed in the garbage. It follows Murphy's Law. You're way too young to be worrying about that kind of shit.
Relax, enjoy life as it comes to you, and try to be flexible because life loves to throw you curveballs.
hardest thing EVER to think about. so i choose to drink instead. CHEERS!
I fear the whole feeling lame with just a Bachelor's degree thing.
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