Friday, July 21, 2006



Apologies to my coworkers, who have already seen this!

I got this in an email from a coworker. She said that if she were the teacher, and students wrote these things, she'd want to fail all of them.

I, on the other hand, would want to give out As. I think they're perfect...and can't even pick out a favorite.


This one's for the English majors among us...

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their
collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school
essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of
teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....

1. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

2. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

3. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

4. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

5. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

6. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge
at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

7. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

8. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

9. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 pm instead of 7:30.

10. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

11. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.

12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph.

13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

14. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

15. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
East River .

16. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

17. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

18. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

19. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for awhile.

20. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.

21. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

22. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

23. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a garbage truck backing up.

I'm dying over here, Gooface.

I'll take "The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work." as numero uno, though the Hefty bag full of vegetable soup gave me an awesome visual.
I know!!!! I love them! I think it's fantastic writing. I just reread, trying to pick a favorite. It's not happening.

I can really relate to #9, though...
Those are all spectacularly awful, not to mention hilariously awesome. Hard to pick a favorite o_O
awful? what?!
Haha, in a good way :-)

I think I'd give them As, too.
I loved every single one of thoe, they are all really well written. I can't even try and use my wit in this comment, as it would be pale in comparison to those wonderful works of art.
jason: hurrah!

bub: I'm so glad you're back :-)
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