growing in the goo

I am going jogging tomorrow morning.

While road-tripping with my mom I had plenty of time to think, and I stared out the window as the miles rolled out before us, then quickly passed beneath us. There's a great quote by Carolyn Hax that goes "Live a life that's attractive to you."

A guy had written in saying that he wasn't attractive enough, so girls never were interested in him. Carolyn, true to form, gave him some tough love. She told him that looks aren't enough in a relationship, so he shouldn't feel that bad that he's ugly. He should do things that he loves, so that he loves his life. Loving his life will a) make him inherently happier, and that will b) make him an attractive partner, thereby solving his dilemma.

And I thought - do I love me? I mean, I like me. I don't think I'd want to be anyone else. But am I really the person that I want to be? The thought of becoming this person that I would love to love got me wondering: what's attractive to me?

I thought about four people I saw scuba diving in Monterey, how I couldn't stop watching them. The ocean was so blue, so mysterious, so fun, and I wanted to get in it. Getting my SCUBA certification: that's attractive to me, and I set a goal of finishing it up in August.

I thought about driving, and how I love it, how driving in a convertible and singing along with music makes me feel - it makes me love life. If I'm having a crappy day, I just need to pop a good CD into the player, put down the top, and my mood elevates in minutes. A bad temper melts away. It's just so freeing, and fun. So, I decided that when I buy a car, I'll get a convertible. Every time I get into that thing, I'll feel great.

(okay, that sounds really materialistic. Perhaps because it is. So be it.)

I thought about the 5K that we ran back in May. To be sure, it wasn't all roses. I thought I was going to pass out in the last quarter mile, and I would not have made it if I didn't have E next to me cheering me on. Seriously, she was my combo rock and jet pack. But I actually experienced that huge high that people always talk about after exercising, and I've repeatedly noticed that every time I work out, I feel good. I pretty much hate the working out part, but the end result (being my pumped-up attitude) makes it worth it. And I had such a feeling of accomplishment - I don't run. I never thought I'd do a 5K. I know it's peanuts in the racing world, but I never, ever thought that I'd be a participant in a race. So, when I was a participant, and I didn't come in dead last, it was wonderfully shocking. It told me that I could do more races, and longer ones.

Also attractive to me: Editing my November novel. Getting something published. Working my ass off. Throwing the social net out there. Sitting up/Standing straight. Acknowledging the fact that I have stupid fears, and then facing them.

I need help. I need to be accountable to someone. Isn't it funny? The only way to kick off the path to self-love is to know that I want to save face in front of other people. Perhaps someday doing it to impress ME will be enough to get it to work.

But tomorrow, I would like to be asked if I jogged/ran Wednesday morning. So, please, inquire within 411.