growing in the goo

Keeping in mind my recent resolution, when the DJ called all the single ladies to the floor for the bouquet toss, I didn't run away. Rather, I stuck where I was, and grabbed my younger cousins so that I wouldn't be out there alone.

It turned out that quite a crowd of ladies gathered behind the bride. I saw a bunch of girls elbow to the front, so I migrated to the back. I heard someone say "The center is where it's at!!!" - so I moved to the right. No need to catch the damn thing, you know? Giving the appearance of participating was what I was looking for.

The lights were dim, a drum roll echoed throughout the hall, the DJ counted "3-2-1" and the bride tossed the bouquet. Looking up, I was aghast to see it sailing toward my outstretched hands, against all odds. I felt a surge of relief as it slipped through my arms and hit the ground.

UNFORTUNATELY, all of the go-getters were at the front of the pack, so there wasn't a scramble to grab the flowers. So I stared at it. Waited. Stared. Then bent down and picked it up.

My little cousins, bless their souls, were ecstatic. "You caught it!! You caught it!" they cried. I gamely held the bouquet in the air and waved it as I looked at my sister-in-law with a look of horror.

I shuffled to the sidelines to watch the garter toss; the guys seemed pretty enthusiastic, which was a bit flattering. I suppose it would be soul-crushing for the guys to run away after seeing who caught the bouquet.

So, a little whippersnapper go-getter around my age grabbed the garter. The DJ placed the chair front and center on the dance floor, and I hesitatingly approached it and sat down. The DJ said something along the lines of "Give us a little dance!!" to the garter guy....and

HE GAVE ME A LAP DANCE. IN FRONT OF ALL MY COUSINS AND AUNTS AND UNCLES. Thank GOD my parents and grandparents had left the reception about 10 minutes before the whole debacle began.

During what seemed to be the longest lap dance in the history of man, I looked at my family, shocked and sorta laughing. Obviously this dude didn't pass body language 101, because it went on far too long for my tastes. I placed my bouquet in front of me as a little modesty shield, maintaining some distance between our bodies.

I thought the whole deal was almost over, but then the DJ asked me to "do a little dance." So I got up, did a quick drop/shimmy to the floor, and turned around. My good old gyrating buddy was sitting on the chair, ready to receive a lap dance that would never come. He got the hint and vacated the chair.

Then I sat down, extended my foot...he was instructed to take off my shoe...and he slid the garter up my leg. Then he put my shoe back on and we exchanged an awkward little hug and I scurried off the dance floor.

Pictures were taken...I'll pass them along when I get them. Or maybe not.

It was just really uncomfortable for that to go on in front of my (very many, much younger) cousins. I hope it wasn't as indecent as I'm picturing!